1. THE RUB”!

    By Blue Baller, 5th June 2021

    Well what a  shambles! 

    After a well deserved spray delivered to Smithy from Bruffy regarding his manhood, smithy made good on his promise to actually turn up. This was despite Bruffy announcing he was skipping the 1st game of the year to romance the Mrs at their anniversary- The Big Bruffster really needs to get his priorities straightened out! 

    With Bruffy’s mind firmly on delivering an epic night of wining and dining his Mrs, he actually forgot to deliver the all important team kit, completely letting his mates down who were then forced to wear kids equipment (Kinglsey had young Oscars junior pads on which looked like two 2 band aids ) and to borrow the opposing teams kit, which they were non too happy about. The boys batted without genitalia protectors, thigh pads, helmets, all except smithy who of course had his own personalised gold plated kit and refused to share it- that’s the team spirit we were looking for smithy!! You really have become the ultimate effeminate Swedish male…- I’d hate to have been on the titanic with you and you were the only bloke with the keys to your own personal life boat!! 

    But let’s not forget about the skipper who as usual set the benchmark for fashion arriving in a polka dot top and carrying his mrs pink esky- he would have put the fear of christ  into our sub-continent- ffs! But when the skipper raises the question “who’s got the kit?” Given ultimately it was his responsibility- we knew we were under the pump before a ball had been bowled- however, fortunately for him,  redemption was at hand!! 

    Now let me get to the game itself 

    Putting it simply we bowled and fielded like old men, got whacked for 220 plus in 20 overs. A note to Kingsley- please only 2 cans of red bull before games not 6 , a little excitable trying to run batsmen out with throws that had no back up or they were already in their crease 2 minutes before trying to throw the stumps down- there was nowhere to hide from him….just a feed of mung beans and celery juice next time mate. 

    Dropped catches, plenty of wides and plenty of sun burn to the roof of our mouths as Sehwag and co got to work hitting the ball over our heads. 

    1-34 (economy 8.50) was deemed the best figures of the day- delivered by Whispering Death himself

    Enough of the sub standard bowling and fielding- a great deal of improvement to be had and some hard lessons learned 

    Now let’s get to the batting- 223 the target- Larry “Drifter” Hagberg and Guru “late lunch” Smithy marching arrogantly out to open the batting 

    It was at this point we witnessed one of the great opening partnerships of our time.  

    With smithy obviously still rattled by Bruffys spray and Jordo refusing to bowl him, he took vengeance upon Larry by running him out without him facing a ball. Now most batsmen in this position would have given smithy his 2nd well deserved and almighty spray in 24 hrs, but Diamond Duck Larry just trudged off to plot his next serial killing victim and took up his seat on the pine. But smithy to his credit committed his first selfless act in his lifetime and was summarily bowled the next ball- Larry 0, Smithy 0, opening partnership 0 from 2 balls- well done lads, ripping start to chasing 223…!! 

    Out strolled Brissles who after being tonked for 15 an over (61 in 4 overs) was deadset wanting to make amends- he did this by deciding to get jordo in asap and summarily gave his wicket away to a suspected chucker, who has now claimed brissler as his new bunny, so firmly did his suspect action worry Johnny- 5 off 9 balls 

    Now at this stage we have our backs to the wall , but the skipper and his excitable 1st Lieutenant Kingsley, had other plans and went to work, dishing up some of the oppositions own medicine.. 2 sparkling, heavy hitting, classy 50s without chance , at that stage gave us hope of posting at least a respectable score- still no thought or chance of winning – or was there? 

    However – Jordos retirement saw Murph scurry to the crease and in typical Murph style was talking big numbers and in typical Murphstyle delivered sweet F.All , clean bowled for a silver duck having wasted two precious balls, still he was talking his performance up as he offered condo his genitalia protector as he passed by, but due to it being an xsmall and covered in a thick yellow substance it was waved away- condo now at crease with nothing protecting the family jewels and a pair of dodgey sub continental pads. 

    Condo was greeted by Kingsley who was due to retire ,with the confidence building words of- give me the strike you wont need to do anything and nothing was exactly what was delivered by Condo a slash outside off stump,  thick edge caught behind 7 from 9 balls and took his miserable place back on the pine. 

    Now at this stage Logan came to the crease with our 2nd retirement Kingsley having departed . Logan it has to be said had been busying himself with eating 3 kgs of cold home made meatballs and potatoes with a dash of cane sauce- how he actually was able to lift himself off the pine to walk out to the middle was a feat in itself..but like his eating, his batting was solid, showing some flair and some yarpie spine, giving jordo who had returned to the crease some much needed support.  

    Now it was at this stage things started to look up .. Jordo really went to work and bashed those chirpy sub continentals all over skarpnack, at one stage whacking 3 sixes on the trot. Such was his dominance that a ray of sunlight started to appear for the first time of the match-we may actually get the runs to get a bonus point, 178 was the figure. But Jordo unbeknown to the rest of us had hatched a plan with  Pantsman Kingsley aka Barossa Banksy, to actually steal the match itself off their own bats! However there was still 1 problem- Logan… 

    Now logan in an act of genius and directly after Jordo had reached a magnificent 100 off just 40 balls- the likes of which I’m sure skarpnack had not and will not witness again, decided that the best course of action was to not only get out himself but to invoke the double play and run jordo out at the same time- with mission accomplished Kingsley strolled to the crease, logan went back to feasting on his meatballs and potatoes (14 from 11 – promising innings by the big south African) and Jordo returned to his team mates to regale them with stories of his greatness… 

    Now at this stage we were still 42 down with 6 balls remaining- 5 sixes would do it and a 12 off the last ball- “cometh the moment cometh the man” – Vego Kingsley nearly pulled it off , racing from a retirement score of 50 to be not out 75, bashing a 12 off the last ball leaving us just 17 runs short of a very worried bunch of sub continentals, who were starting to fray at the edges and who had clearly dropped their bundle and were seen arguing amongst themselves. Clearly Kingsley’s hyperactivity had got to them… 

    4 more balls and we might have been home…!!! 

    Given the rest of us faced just 34 balls out of a possible 109 delivered scoring a paltry 26 out of 205 runs, it really was the Jordo and kingsley batting masterclass that has no doubt put the fear of god into the other teams- they will be firmly In the minds of our sub continental friends next time we meet in the GF 

    Had we had just one more of us stand up at bat ,or been a bit more fuller and direct at the stumps with the bowling , we (aka jordo and Kingsley) would actually have got us over the line… 

    11th June next game vs village idiot- let’s call this one as it is- The Ashes- a big rivalry to be formed from here on in against these geezers 

    Will be good to have an injection of youth with the possible inclusion of slugger Burnell, and bad boy Bruffy to cancel that youth policy straight back out 

    Special mention to the spy, Nick Law who turned up drank free piss and left 

    Man of the Match- Skipper Jordo what a superb innings, outstanding big hitting, cool as a cucumber in a crisis, closely followed by the classy, crisp hitting and astute batting of Lieutenant Kinglsey – 101 and 75 respectively great knock fellas, was a pleasure to watch and lifted the spirits of the boys back on the pine… 

    Great to be back out having a hit with a great bunch of competitive mates, looking forward to the rest of the series… 

    KR  Whispering Death 

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    THE RUB”! first appeared on Södermalm AFC on at 22:27. Since then it has recieved one comment.

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    This post was last updated on Monday, 7th June 2021 by Blue Baller.